Feeling sad and wierd

Hi Everyone,
Just need to connect....
i am feeling so completely exhausted at the moment...
We moved house 5 days ago and it was huge!

It's been 5 years since i'd moved and i collected way too much stuff..
We got rid of sooooo much stuff and i feel like it was just a huge emotional experience...
it all went ok...we are living with friends in limbo for the next few months...
it feels scarey and weird and i feel vulnerable today...teary...
i know it'll be fine eventually but as you get older i swear you seem to get a bit more frightened of change or something...even though i crave change at times...
this one is a hard one.....

I've been completely overeating for the past few weeks and it's been chocolate, wine, extra food non stop...
i guess this scares me a little....I've been trying to be healthy and generally enjoy it...
i keep telling myself it's just for now...it'll pass soon.
I am feeling vulnerable not having my own home...and it's all overwhelming at the moment...

Hope everyone is doing ok.
xxx

CHANGES !!!

We are in the madness of packing, throwing things out, sorting and moving house.

The truck comes this saturday...
We're moving in with different friends for a few months until we decide what to do next...
It's weird being Gypsies....
Life seemed so settled for the last 5 years ...kind of....
It's good to change...
Life makes you change and you have choices whether to fight it or go with it...
it's exhausting at the moment but i feel excited with the changes too.
I just got in to this course at work ...it's a mentoring program with the training organisation here...To become a trainer possibly?
i am currently teaching singing workshops after dark and loving it...We'll see what eventuates.
As for TTC it seems another month off is in order...without question...more time needed to deal with these other big things...
We want to be relaxed for our next go...and right now is too stressful.
It was a bit hard to make the decision to have a break but i am soooooooo glad we have.It's made the world of difference.
We had an excellent garage sale last weekend and have vreally got rid of a lot of stuff...
Old stuff, excellent to just get rid of it all...I'm starting to feel lighter already!!!

Hope everyone is travelling well
xxx

Loving the Break!

Hi All,
We are enjoying our break from TCC....
We've started packing and sorting and chucking old stuff from our house..
it has been somewhat stressful at times which is normal but we are managing....
i am actually feeling ok with all the unknown of it today...i'm treating it like an adventure...just taking moment by moment...

I'm loving being able to drink again...i havn't gone crazy but have definitely let my hair down a few times and it feels soooo good!!

I highly recommend a break to anyone who is TCC and feeling overwhelmed and stressed by it.

We decided against the country property as it's not really a sound financial investment....i was so sad the next day when reality kicked in but was quite proud of myself for even getting there....
it's a big deal to buy a place and we want to own in the country one day but for now city is the go...
We've actually stopped looking for a few weeks until we've moved out of the house...

Hope everyone is well
xxx

It's Break Time !!!

Hi All,
Yes, we are having a break....
Took a while to make our decision and it was a bit hard to let go but we are having a break from TTC this month and maybe the one after...not sure yet how long...

It's such a relief as things become more hectic with hunting for a house and packing things up and getting ready for this next adventure into the unknown!
Well we're already in that part of it...the unknown and mostly it's ok....

Can't stop thinking about this gorgeous property we saw in the country by chance...We have close friends who are buliding a house in Mirboo Victoria and we went to visit them over the weekend. The house next door is for sale.
It's gorgeous and would be a dream come true for us to own a property in the country. We'd go down every weekend just about. Di's a school teacher and has lots of holidays so it'd be perfect.
We would then need to rent a small flat in town for during the week.
Still trying to figure it all out but it's soooooooooo tempting....you never know???

I've never thought much about buying property in town as i've not really been able to afford to buy where i'd like to live....so we looked a bit further out at small units in the burbs and nothing much appeals yet......

a weekender is very exciting and would be nourishing for the soul and manageable .....

We could have kids running around playing in the mud....ours and the rest of the family's...what a dream!!!

Hope everyone else is travelling well
xxx

Maybe take a break?

Hi all,

Di asked if i wanted to take a break from IVF for a month or two?

I hadn't even thought about it before...however.....5 days later i'm seriously considering it...
Of course we're both gonna have a good talk about it over the weekend...I just need to sort it out here for a while....
It's hard to let myself think about it....you know once you're on the role of going for it....
Mind you it's been 3 and half years for us and we've had a month off here and there...

I guess i feel a bit unsure...i never thought of having a break....we have two embryos left...I'm starting to panic a little...i really don't want to go thru a stim cycle again....I would tho...but anyway....
We have to pack and move house by the end of August and it seems that having a break might be good....
The thought of going for this next cycle does feel a bit much...it's hard work....

I think i'm answering myself as i write...
The fact i'm talking about a break indicates it might be necessary...

I need to see the bigger picture too...that our wellbeing is important....and a month or two break may be just what we need.....we can relax and house hunt and move and yes i'm erring towards a break....
It's amazing how hard on myself i can be in light of how much we've gone thru...i really need to give myself a break...ha ha
In my head i'm saying " you should keep going no matter what" bla bla "time is running out" bla blah blah....
So now i tell that part to fuck off and let me be.....

Hope everyone is travelling well xx

Bummer!

Hi All,
Got my period on the weekend....bummer!
After shedding the neccessary tears and feeling like a complete zombie in pain...i rested....watched dvds.....and am ok....feeling quite tired......
Will keep on going tho'.....
We have two embryos left so hopefully it happens soon....
we are still house hunting which is a great distraction....am still doing my best to stay relaxed and i can feel the stress rising a bit which is to be expected when your whole world is changing....
We've been renting our house for 5 years...planted trees in the yard and really nested there....
It's a bit hard the feeling of unknown and being uprooted...but we still plan to buy a place....a villa/unit....it's all really overwhelming at times but if i just keep focused and let the shitty moments go it's exciting too...
How bizarre life is at times...learning to just' be' in the unkown of it all is the most challenging thing for me.

Making way for new things....

Hi All,
I'm still waiting to ovulate....i reckon tomorrow or the next day....
my cycles seem to have lengthened since my stim cycle...this is now our third go...
I still feel quite relaxed about it all....which is great...
i've actually been feeling great! just appreciating all the good things in my life and it's been helpful....I'm really enjoying teaching my singing course...we're up to week 3...I love it...i need to change my career towards doing more of what i love!!!

Yesterday we got a letter of notice to vacate our home....
We have 60 days to find a new house....
We've been living there for 5 years....
i'm a little spun out and am contiually reminding myself to look at the positives....Time for a change.....making way for new things...cleaning out the old.....etc...it's mostly working....
I'm an old stresser from way back but this time i refuse to buy into it!!!
The challenge is on...(with myself)
We are going to find a beautiful house to live in......and that's it!!!
I want to stay relaxed as possible for our baby making ventures.....so let's see how it goes...
i may fumble and fall but i'm ok with that...I'll get back up again and keep thinking positive.....

Moving on and feeling good

Hi Everyone,
It's been a week or so since my last post....
Wow...what a journey....

So i had a chemical pregnancy which was just short by a week of being a miscarriage....
chemical pregnancy is when you test positive for a pregnancy but the level of hormone is very low and you bleed before 6 weeks....

i had never heard of it before....

I'm ok now....had a couple of really hard days...lots of tears and i'm back feeling great actually....
I am constantly astounded with my ability to bounce back so quickly...

You'd think i'd get it after so long and having gone through so much already on this journey of making a baby.
I need to admit it to myself...i am courageous and tough and vulnerable....3 perfect ingredients for becoming a mum....

Will start the seratec tests on sunday and go for my thaw scan that day too....

hope eveyone is travelling well...
xxx

Upset and scared

Hi everyone,
God what a ride!
i did a pregnancy test on sunday and it was positive..
I've been feeling nauseus for 8 or 9 days....i felt the implantation ages ago and no blood....so i'm pretty excited.....and feeling so sure about it....

then i went for the blood test on monday and the result was only a level of 14 ?????? they want it to be 100....
go fucken figure that one out?...I'm so upset...and scared ...
they told me to go back on thurs for another blood test.

The fucken waiting....

i feel so teary and i'm at work and fuck it,,

I have to pull myself together. I'm working all day and my singing workshop is starting tonight...
It'll be a good distraction....
I feel silly to even tell myself to be hopeful at this point but i may as well because there's still no sign of a period....
I just hope it doesn't drag on for too long where i have to keep going for blood tests and wait weeks and then deal with a miscarriage or something....
ok now i'm in tears at my desk, luckily know one can see me right now....
better out than in i always say....
thanks for listening. x

Waiting.....

Hi Everyone,
I have a blood test on monday, that's 3 days away to see if i'm pregnant.
I've been feeling really nauseus all week. I don't like to speculate....don't even want to write...
I'm feeling really good, relaxed, i can't quite believe it.....me relaxed
I'm wondering how long it will last?...it's been two weeks of me being relaxed..I'm in shock...

I don't know what else to write....i don't want to jinx it....as if anything i write or don't write could make a difference as to whether i'm pregnant or not :)

I'm starting a new singing workshop next week. I'm facilitating it here at my work after hours.
I'm quite excited and there's 8 participants.....nice and intimate.
Hope everyone is travelling well....

New Doco

Hi Everyone,
Had a great time at the Maybe Baby dinner the other night.
We got a sneak preview of a new documentary that's being released on SBS and at Film festivals soon. It's called 'Two Mums and a Dad'.It was excellent!
A real insight into one queer family's journey through conception, negotiating terms for the dad/donor and of course the birth of their beautiful baby.
It was very real and got people talking immediately.
It'll bring an awareness and opportunity for discussion about all the issues we face along this journey.I really got so much out of it and mostly felt a sense of hope that it is all possible.

I feel really relaxed and happy at the moment...Everything is out of my control and i'm ok with it for now....it's still the first week since our second transfer and i'm just so pleased with myself for relaxing and i guess i'm really happy to be off the IVF drugs and stress that caused me.
Hope everyone is travelling well. xxx

Next transfer

Hi All,
I'm doing well at the moment...feeling very relaxed about it all for now...trying to take each day as it conmes and it's working...i've let go of the stress and am one happy shiela!
We had our second transfer on sunday and all went well. They had taken an embryo out but it didn't last so they thawed another one and now we have 3 frozen left.
We've decided not to talk about it to anyone this time...just hold it to ourselves and talk if we need to but it feels right for now not to tell anyone about it....we'll see how we go...
I'm happy i've got this space to talk if i need to...
i have to whinge...i had 4 blood tests last week as they were trying to find out if and when i was ovulating and on the last test she brused me so badly, i wish i could show you a photo...it's 10cm long, purple and blue and it hurt!!!

I'm fine now...
another whinge off the topic...
I'm working in a call centre...we had my space and facebook to entertain us...a wonderful thing.They've just blocked myspace and facebook and i'm not happy...I've managed to find a proxy for myspace but it's so slow...
anyway that's my whinge...
Anyone going to the Maybe Baby Dinner toninght at Dantes? We'll be there!
see you all soon xxx

Feeling better

Hi Everyone,
i'm feeling better today...it's amazing how a good night's sleep fixes everything...except my neck which is still out but getting better...
No more stress for me today...which is great!
i didn't get to meditating, just had a bit of a cry when i got home from work...had a hug from my girl and a hot shower....
Has anyone heard about ovulation being late after a stim cycle on IVF?
I'm already day 15 and no sign. i reckon it's around the corner....I'm not worrying....
I havn't touched my music in ages....a few moments here and there but nothing solid...i 'll get there again soon...I'm missing it...
I did one concert in the heart of taking all the drugs and it was a great distraction but a bit hard to manage...it was a big one, but singing just felt so good( even though my neck had gone out for that event too...friggin stresshead !)
if anyone wants to hear some of my music i have some demos up on myspace.
my address is www.myspace.com/mandysiegel it's a fun web space connecting more and more people in this virtual world of plenty.
I am so grateful for the connections I'm making online, especially here at the heart of some truly difficult times...it really helps you get thru so much.
Just writing about whatever you feel is brilliant.
Hope everyone is travelling well and if not, hang in there, another day is just round the corner xxx

The Next Steps

Hi Everyone,
Here we are day 14 and still no sign of a surge....i had a day 10 scan and my doc could see an egg beginning but nothing showing yet. I had a blood test this morning as well. So i still have to do those wee tests in the morning.....
Can i just say how i find it a bit stressful as you have to not pee for 4 hours and i always wake up at the wrong time and need to pee and then stay awake for too long...bla bla...
I'm generally feeling better about everything at the moment....moving right along but i have realised that i have to relax as much as i can ...and i'm a bit of a stress head....the minute it gets to a week like this one where i have to wait to organise appointments and transfers and then to make my accupuncture appointments around the transfers....i start to panic....I have to organise it all around work hours if possible and blah blah blah...
I'm feeling so tired at the moment too.
You know when you TRY to relax , you feel stressed if youre not relaxed?
i am carrying rescue remedy around and using it...i am constantly talking to myself saying that everything is really ok...nothings really wrong at all....i am walking as much as possible for exercise....and am even going to give meditation a go again...i have done it a bit in the past and loved it, just need to make time for everything..it's bloody hard.......and my neck went out today......boo hoo!
Anyway thanks for the whinge time i hope everyone else is going well.
xxxx

One down, five to go :(

Hi all,
I'm sad today.....yesterday i got my period...had a blood test...negative...i imagine that it's always particularly hard after your first stim cycle for it to be negative...
wow...it's hard...lots of crying yesterday...but lots of hugs with my girl as well. Im back at work today which i guess is a good distraction...
Luckily we have 5 more embryos frozen....still i feel scared at the whole unknown..... that's life.....
I've already told the nurses and booked in for my thaw scan in 10 days...there is still hope.....
This journey is so hard at times....
i can't seem to focus on much else whilst in it....
We rearranged the loungeroom on sunday for about 3 hours and it looks gorgeous...that was a great thing to do .
We had a few dinners with friends too which was a lovely distraction...
anyway...hope all is well for everyone xxx

Well into IVFand midway thru the waiting....

Hi Everyone,
It's been a few long weeks since i've been here....Wow what an intense and difficult journey at times....The drugs made me feel so sick i took almost two weeks off work...luckily they're flexible and kind...
I've been thru the egg pick up and we got 8 eggs and 6 embryos so i am very happy with that result.
I now have a lovely embryo in my ripe womb and am waiting....waiting and more waiting....
Next fri 18th i have my blood test and will find out if we are pregnant. very exciting, very scarey at times too...am trying to keep busy but not stressed...it's funny how you unconsciously stress anyway...
for instance today i woke up at 5 am unnecessarily...i couldn't get back to sleep until 10 to 7 when i had to get up...The alarm goes off and i've had a dream where i'm at a high school reunion..I'm meant to be performing for the event and i'm not ready, whilst all these dressed up women are arriving...Then half my face is paralysed..like a storke or something and i can't sing or play guitar.......such a pretty image to wake up to!!! especially having tossed and turned all night!
I must be getting ready for motherhood!!! LOL :)
Hope everyone else is doing well...and thanks for your responses i REALLY appreciate it!!!

Feeling crap

Hi All,
Yuk...today i feel like crap...synarel day 6 and my head hurts and i have black bags under my eyes from snorting the stuff twice a day....
feel quite ill today ...yukkk....am at work and am wishing i was on holidays somewhere sunny....
i'm wondering if anyone will ever read my posts???? i'll keep on trucking... bye for now

Started IVF Drugs! Yipeeee

Hi All,
We finally got the all clear on our donor sperm and i started taking synarel 5 days ago....MMMmmm Synarel....not! but i don't even care....I'm so happy that i've started already....
Our little baby's getting closer and closer.......
I don't even care that sometimes i feel sick and have a headache or that sometimes i'm feeling incredibly vulnerable and have to have a cry.....or that all iwant to do is eat for comfort....
i am so happy to have started after waiting waiting waiting forever...
Actually i have a hiddeous headache at the moment....must be all that sniffing....anyway...hope all is well for everyone...anyone elsae starting IVF at the moment?
xx

PS. Here's a link to Maybe baby if anyone is interested. http://www.maybebaby.org.au/

PPS. After the meeting last night Di and I went to the Gomez concert! it was fantastic and a lovely thing to do...even on a school night! gotta get in all the gigs and concerts i can coz it'll be a while once we have a little bub...xxx

Maybe Baby Vic

Hi All,
Had a great night last night....We went to Maybe Baby, a queer support group here in Melbourne that meets once a month. I had wanted to go for ages but never made it...i had felt shy or just unsure....but it was great. They had two speakers about different issues relating to queer families and baby making. We ate dinner and chatted to new people, all with different stories.....it was really great to connect with other people in similar situations....i have been wanting to connect with other lesbian couples on IVF here in Melbourne...We havn't met any yet but did meet some great people at different stages of the journey....I'd definitely go again next month....sometimes this process can make you feel so isolated that's why i'm loving these blogs and connecting with other people in whatever way i can. Hope eveyone is doing well xxx